The Linus of the 2nd Amendment

I move to begin calling 2nd Amendment supporters Linus.  Hear me out.

I recently participated in the #cocksnotglocks rally.  I work for the company that supplied the dildos and warehoused others sent from supportive companies.  (Read my company’s stance here) When I first read the story, the day Jessica Jin posted the event, I immediately texted my partner Shannon and we were in touch with her before the weekend was through.  We knew we could supply the dildos and possibly drive a little business our way.  The idea of the protest was to fight absurdity with absurdity. It is absurd to freely walk around (or conceal carry) a weapon that can kill people, but if you carry a dildo out in the open…misdemeanor.  Until the company I work for, Dreamers, overturned the Sex Toy Ban you couldn’t legally sell a dildo, except by the same convoluted logic that head shops sell “water pipes”.  There is a reason all stores, and the industry as a whole, calls them novelties, because we couldn’t (and in most of the country still can’t) call them sex toys.  Marital aids is another popular euphemism.  So this absurd treatment of guns versus dildos is what the protest hoped to show in stark relief.

That point was missed by the majority of gun enthusiasts.


Most of the responses in various comment sections (when not just being outright idiotic) centered around “why shouldn’t I be able to defend myself” or “good luck defending yourself with a dildo when some maniac begins shooting at your campus”.  Not to mention flat out threatening other people.  #notallgunlovers

This belief that at any moment you could be John McClane and need to defend Nakatomi Plaza is delusional.  I hate to use that word because of the connotations attached to it, but that is literally the definition of delusion: to believe something despite reality contradicting it.  This is the SAFEST TIME IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY to live. I encourage you to google that phrase.  Better yet, read Better Angels of our Nature by Steven Pinker.  If you live in the United States you are seriously safe!


I’m not saying no one is in danger of dying, but ALL CRIME in the U.S. has decreased.  Almost every type of crime has decreased in Austin, including murder and aggravated assault.  In 2014, there were only 34 murders in Austin, a city that has a little over 900,000 citizens, and only 30 in 2015.  We have a lower murder rate per 100,000 citizens than Houston and way lower than places like Detroit or Baltimore.  So why so scared?

If you are a white male living in Austin you are at a higher risk of dying of nearly anything other than murder.  You have better odds of having a beer with Matthew McConaughey after which he pulls a gun and kills you. Seriously.  Texas Monthly said of Austin in their crime report when referring to how safe it is to live in Austin, “Austin is basically a fairy tale land populated by elves and hobbits..”

You’ll notice a lot of people in comments and in defense of open carry or concealed carry talk about defending themselves.  During the democratic debates Webb made a comment about Obama and Hillary having armed guards.  “Why can’t ordinary citizens defend themselves?” he asked.  Um, maybe because we’re not in constant mortal danger?  Obama and Hillary probably receive death threats on a daily basis, maybe even hourly.  If you are receiving death threats, you probably should carry a gun, or have a bodyguard, too.  That makes sense.  People threatening to kill you or posting your address on the net means your fears are not unfounded.  If you live in Austin and NO ONE has legitimately threatened your life, you have unfounded fears.  The gun makes you feel safe when you are not actually in any danger.

Which brings me to Linus.  You remember that character from Charlie Brown always walking around with the blanket.  Guns are nothing but glorified security blankets.  I’m sure you can point to someone somewhere defending themselves with a gun, but that doesn’t disprove my point.  Just because someone used a gun to defend themselves (and there is no way to know if they even needed the gun), it still doesn’t change the fact that YOUR odds of being in mortal danger have not changed.  We are ridiculously safe right now.  One of my favorite comments about Cocks Not Glocks was this one (which clearly illustrates the delusion of threat)

FB post 1

If someone tries to rob me at gunpoint I’m just going to hand over my wallet (I don’t carry cash and can cancel each card within the hour) and my phone is insured.  Why would I pull a gun and escalate a situation that is already deadly and increase my chances of being shot? Why?

Also, what idiot would try to mug you with people around?  I know muggers aren’t the brainiest people, but still.

Here’s some more of the delusion.

fb post 2That second one is my favorite.  I assume he walks around with a defibrillator (735K heart attacks each year) and oxygen tank (130K stroke deaths).  Reminder murders per year: FBI data for 2014 showed 13K nationwide and again last year in Austin: 30.  You should be defending yourself against red meat rather than rogue gunmen.

Since 2013 there have been 191 campus shootings, but that stat includes every school.  There are 4,409 colleges across the country, 98,706 public schools (k-12) and 33,740 private schools.  That equates 136,855 schools and 77 MILLION students.  Which again, if all those shootings happened last year, as opposed over 3 years, colleges and schools would still be some of the safest places to be.

And I do believe it is true, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.  I, however, believe that is why my tax dollars go to arm the police, FBI, CIA, and Military.  These organizations may not be perfect, but they are made up of other citizens of the United States and if you believe that some random citizen with no training is better than any of the groups I just mentioned, well that’s something to tackle in another blog.

Finally, I know it may not seem like it but I am not anti-gun.  If I had a little more disposable income I might actually own one and go to the range on weekends.  I grew up with guns and was taught to respect the weapon.  I don’t think guns should be banned and I’ve written three different times about how NO ONE WILL EVER BAN GUNS!  But I don’t think they are necessary.  That’s what this entire post has been about.  Just say you like guns and leave it at that.  Stop trying to make the patently false argument that you need it for safety.  Because unless you’re driving the safest car and also have a state of the art alarm system in both your car and house, and have your house outfitted with nearly bullet proof windows, then safety isn’t really what concerns you.

You should also ask yourself, where is this fear coming from?  Why do you need the security blanket?


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