One of my resolutions is to start going on dates in the hopes of developing a relationship. A couple things are keeping me from doing that:
- I’m a bit of a loner
- I’m really picky
- I don’t go out much
I’m working on socializing more and going out where one will have the ability to meet people. The picky part, well that’s what this is for.
You see, each girl I’ve dated has been closer and closer to what I was ultimately looking for in a long term mate. I’ve also dated enough to know that I’d rather be alone than with someone who isn’t at least 85% of what I’m looking for. I have no problem being alone, I’m really good company!
I’m not sure if most people ever really sit and think about what they’re looking for in a person. Judging by the many failed relationships and broken marriages, I’m going to go with “no, they don’t”. It’s ridiculous that a person will sit down and research cars and laptops before making a purchase, but we’ll let some oxytocin,dopamine and endorphins decide who we’re going to spend the rest of our life with?
Well, not me! At least, not exclusively.
I know what I’m looking for, I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve dated people who didn’t have some of these traits and realized, “yup, I need that trait. Can’t live without it.”
When you ask most people what they’re looking for in someone they respond generically with, “funny, smart, handsome/pretty”. Really, you’ve given no deep thought into who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Well, I have and I’ll use those generic headings to organize my thoughts. So here’s what I’m looking for in a woman.
I’m a bit of an intellectual snob. I need a woman as smart or smarter than me. I’ve got a lowly B.A. in psychology so a person with same or a Master’s would be great. Though that’s not necessary. You see I’ve met women and men who have advanced degrees, but have absolutely no intellectual curiosity. There’s a line in Inherit the Wind that I find describes what I’m talking about.
When Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy) is questioning Matthew Brady (Frederic March) about the age of the earth he asks about that first day of creation.“Do you think it was a 24 hour day?” “I don’t know?” “Well, what do you think?” “I do not think about things I do not think about.” “Do you ever think about those things that you DO think about?” —
I have an annoying need to question everything, even my own beliefs and thoughts. I’m looking for a woman who “thinks about the things she thinks about”. Who approaches her life with the same intellectual curiosity that she approached her studies.
I’m a liberal, but I’m not knee-jerk. I could date a conservative, if her beliefs are well thought out and argued. I have no patience for even liberals who regurgitate other people’s ideas.
That said, I will not even consider dating someone who thinks illegals are a problem and thinks homosexuality is a choice. If you wish to marry me, then you support the marriage of Adam and Steve.
Reading is a big must. I once said that a girl who reads is sexy, but a girl who quotes from a book is sexier. I will spend hours at Half-Price and Barnes and Noble just looking for books to read. That’s the highlight of my weekend, generally. To give you an idea of how much I read, here’s about 70% of my library on Librarything.com and check me out on Goodreads.com
So to sum up: I’m looking for an intelligent, intellectual, socially liberal woman.
A sense of humor is important. I don’t just want someone who laughs at my jokes, I want someone who makes me laugh. I have a “wrong” sense of humor. I love South Park, Family Guy, the stand-up of David Cross, Stephen Lynch, and others. I love sarcasm and irony. I like humor that has layers. I loved Arrested Development. If you’re the type of person who responds to a joke with, “no, don’t say that” we shouldn’t date.
One of my favorite ways to while away an evening is to watch a bad movie and make fun of it MST3K style (if you don’t know what that is, we may have a problem). I make fun of music, even the music I like. Making fun of things is kind of what I do.
So to sum up: Sarcasm and Irony (think Janeane Garofalo and Sarah Silverman)
Enjoys Pop Culture
This is also important to me. I wanted to be a filmmaker. I love watching films for both the pure fun of losing myself in another world, and for the joy of watching how a filmmaker uses the camera to tell a story.
I’m also a bit of a nerd and would like someone similar, or who at least gets nerd programming. Lot’s of non-nerds watch Walking Dead, but nerds get really into it. Other nerd programming: Battlestar Galactica, Buffy, Doctor Who, anything Joss Whedon. A love of BBC America (and the BBC in general) would be appreciated.
If I have a choice between hollywood films and Hong Kong films, I’ll always choose HK. I like foreign action and horror films. I’m the person who says, “Oh, the Japanese version of that film was good.” (for instance, I’ve already seen the Girl with the Dragoon Tatoo trilogy – and read all the books)
Like I said, I’m a film geek. I can generally tell you the name of a movie based on a couple actors – even if I’ve never seen it. I used to love reading Entertainment Weekly. I love trivia that involves pop culture.
As for music, let me be clear: I HATE THE 80s. I know the words to every song from the 80s. I have mix-tapes from the 80s. I’m 35, I was alive in the 80s. I loved the music BACK THEN! But, here’s the funny thing, time moves in a linear path forward (barring outside forces) and we follow that trajectory. I currently live in the year 2012, there are a lot of bands making music RIGHT NOW!
Yes, I listen to Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, & Lady Gaga. I like Jay-Z and Kanye West. My favorite band is Green Day and I’ll listen to anything Jack White puts out (White Stripes, Dead Weather, heck, if he puts out a bar-b-que sauce I’ll buy it!). I just like listening to new music. (I’ll probably post a longer rant against old music later)
So to sum up: nerdy and modern
I can get a bit lazy. In my job I constantly strive to do better each day than the day before. In my personal life, I can settle a little too much. I need someone who is going to want to keep pushing, keep striving for more and more. I’m hoping to start my own business someday, I want someone who has similar aspirations. At the very least, I want someone who wants to reach the top of their profession, whatever it is. I want someone who keeps wanting to move up. Once I realized that my job was becoming my career, I started studying everything I could about it. I’ve read texts on marketing, management, running a business, and now visual merchandising. I keep up with trends, not only in my business, but in Business in general. I want someone who takes their work as seriously.
Great but not deal-breakers
There are lots of things I would love, but won’t call off the deal. For instance, I’d love a comic book nerd but since they’re rare, not necessary. Other things I’d love:
- UT Fanatic
- basketball fan
- Zombie Fan
- Bourbon fan
- Has seen Cannibal! the Musical!
- Loves Sam Raimi
- Knows who Donnie Yen is
Like I said these aren’t deal-breakers, but they’d be nice.
Some people may read this and think, “No wonder you’re alone.” That’s the thing, if you read the book Party Of One, you’ll realize that I’m perfectly fine being alone. As I said, I’d rather be alone, than be with someone who is less than 85% of what I’m looking for. I’ve seen a lot of women settle for men who are lazy, inconsiderate, unintelligent, and so many other traits that are undesirable. But they stay, because “being with someone is better than being with no one”. Is it really? If you’re not excited about going home every night to see your partner, that’s a sad life as far as I’m concerned. This list, and the mental list that is more detailed, are part of what I’m using to keep myself from getting into a relationship that I shouldn’t get into.
So, if you’re a potential date who read this and thought, “I’m not calling this guy back”, then it did it’s job.